...But Once a Year

Originally posted on Tales of the Parodyverse.

Characters in this story are owned either by myself, or other posters on
the Board.

The four figures stood outside the small, ominous hut.

The dusky one in the white robe was immediately recognisable as Ebony of Nubilia, High Priestess of the Manga Shoggoth.

The well-built male with the slightly nautical air was not recognisable as anyone, due to the one-piece hooded garment with the profusion of strange items attached. Since, however, the person performing the attachments was clearly Kathryn (the bullhide whip worn as a belt was something of a clue), we can safely assume that he is Blair.

The green-skinned female is obviously a Caphan, and since - having declared herself Chief Storyteller, to the amusement of the Lemurians - she was making notes to add to the epic Song of Lemuria, we could do worse than to assume that she was Deeela. Unusually for a Caphan Slave, she is wearing a bullhide whip similar to the one worn by Kathryn.

Kathryn and Blair were working through some kind of checklist, supervised by Ebony.

"Safety Goggles?"

"Check." responded Kathryn, tying what appeared to be a thick blindfold across his eyes.

"Belt of Thevros the Undying, scored with unwritten sigils graven in the blood of virgins?"

"Check." - The belt was fitted round his waist.

"Ofuda?"

"Check." - As several slips of paper covered in Elder Symbols were carefully tucked into the belt.

"Large Sack?"

"Check." - A strongly-woven sack, also covered in Elder Symbols, was added to the belt.

"BGC?"

"Check." concluded Kathryn, handing him a thick wooden pole, carefully turned on a lathe, and then carved with mystic runes. The runes weren't glowing, but you felt that they could at any moment.

"BGC?" queried Deeela.

"Bloody Great Club." explained Ebony. "Never underestimate the simple tools."

"Anything else to go?" asked Deeela, wanting to get all the details straight.

Blair thought for a moment. "Nope. But if anything happens, say that I died with my true love's name on my lips."

"Really?" asked Kathryn hopefully. Being brought up by the Little Sisters of Discipline had rather reduced her exposure to romance, so she tended to get every little bit she could.

"Only of you change it to Arrrfgssssh-urk-urk-urk-thud." noted Ebony, who was not known for a romantic view of the world.

Blair raised his bat, and with a terrifying scream, charged into the hut.

"What is the Belt of Thevros the Undying for?" asked Deeela.

"Stops his trousers falling down."

The sounds of battle rang throughout the hut. As the women watched, the walls of the hut quivered as ...things... were impacted against them.

On one occasion something the size and colour of a small stone was thrown out of the hut. It looked like a cake might look if it had been genetically engineered, cloned, been subjected to grotesque Elder Magics and then exposed to Cosmic Rays. It weakly tried to ooze back into the hut. Without a second thought both Kathryn and Deeela split it with their whips.

"The hunting lessons are coming on nicely, then?" noted Ebony.

"You let them cook in there?" asked Deeela, aghast.

"Safer than letting them near any of the Island's cooking areas." she replied.

At length, the sounds of warfare died down. A shadowy figure staggered out, dragging a full sack. The sack twitched slightly, as if the contents were weakly trying to escape.

The blindfold and garment were quickly and expertly removed by Kathryn, who then attempted to force coconut liquor down Blair's throat.

Blair, a man who had faced the hordes of Nylalurkatep without flinching (or at least, not very much), sat on the sand and shivered. Deeela could hear him muttering about the creatures with lifeless eyes, unnaturally elongated limbs and bodies that were ... wrong.

"Ah." noted Ebony clinically. "Got as far as the Barbie Dolls this time."

Deeela looked at the hut's dark, forbidding doorway.

"Ebony?", she said hesitantly.

"Yes?"

"Why can't the twins tidy their own hut?"

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